A couple of weeks ago I started to think about my constant ping pong of my weight, so from October to the end of January, when Starbucks comes out with all the holiday drinks and every where I go there is a pumpkin something and then in November when BlueBell comes out with the gingerbread and the pumpkin holiday flavors, I will gain weight. When February hits and I realize how close spring break and summer are I start to eat better and work out more. So this has been a constant lifestyle for as long as I can remember. I don't think there has ever been a time where I was not self conscience of my weight or how I look. There were times where I didn't care as much but that was only because I had a boyfriend and the only reason I wanted to look good was to have guys like me and so if I had a boyfriend then the mission was complete and all I had to do was to maintain which wasn't hard.
Then I started to think about why during the holidays do I binge on sweets. My addiction to seasonal food is insane I don't even like beer but because they have a October Fest Pumpkin addition I would want to try it! Anything that reminds me of the Holidays around the year I will get it because I love the feelings the holiday brings.
My roommates birthday was last week and another women in the Emerging Leader Program came over and brought her a cake and I was so controlled when I saw it didn't really care, and had no intention of eating any of it. Then my best friend had a bite and said it was so good and moist. Still I wasn't impressed. The next day it was just me and the cake in the house and I just decided I'm going to try it. Then it was so good my fork kept going in to the cake and into my mouth and the next thing you know the a whole forth of the cake was gone. Then my roommate started to unlock the front door and as I heard it rattling I quickly put the top on the cake and walked away. That very moment I felt conviction. I knew I had just sinned but I couldn't quite put words to it.
A couple days later we had Friday morning class for Downline and Pastor Conley from High Point Church in Memphis, Tennessee did a lesson on temptation and whenever the topic was announced I automatically thought sex, lusting, cheating. Not once did the temptation of food come to my mind. The Lord had a totally different lesson to teach me that morning through pastor Conley. I walked in with my friend and she sits by someone else and I thought it was weird but I didn't think much of it and went and sat next to some people I didn't know only because that was the only open spots and I needed a place to plug in my charger. As Pastor Conley started to teach I knew that where I sat and that I knew no one around me was strategically planned by God. He wanted my full attention that morning. God showed me my sin, He showed my heart. He showed me that all my life I have been going to food for comfort and putting food particularly sweet food on this pedestal that makes life great. I never saw eating healthy or working out as a heart issue. At the moments when I am compulsively eating the Lord has showed me that I am loving food more than God.
So then what's next? Right now I am fasting from sweats for the rest of the year. And however long it takes for me to stop being in love with sweet things. However long it takes me to take a good thing and enjoy it instead of becoming obsessed with it and making it an idle. I will not be a slave to anyone or anything but the Lord.
"For the moment all things seem painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Memphis is a great city that the Lord is doing mighty work in. For me it is my desert. Not that I don't enjoy the city. I am very thankful the Lord has given me this opportunity to come and to learn more about the Lord and the bible and how to make disciples. I think the reason why I resented being here at first because it wasn't easy and every other day the Lord was showing me my sin BUT He is also showing me who He is still in spite of me. The Lord has brought me here so that he can speak to me and show me things that I that I have not known. He is patient with me and He is slowly showing me things. I hate not knowing things because I want to fix them. I think that's why I have been so frustrated being here, I've been blaming it on the city but the problem is me. And this would have happened with any city I went to after graduation. I love Memphis, I HATE my sin. I'm trying not to mix up the source of the feelings. Lord I am here and now I know why you have brought me here. Help me run to you when times get hard. Help me trust that everything you bring in my life is to teach me something that is for my good no matter how hard it is. I will never forget this place. I know you have plans for me for your glory. Help me learn everything you want me to at this place in life so that I will be prepared for the next if the next is your will. Lord I trust you. Daddy I trust you with my life help me not be comforted by this world. Help me not obsess with great things here on earth, it is nothing compared to you. Help me remember to count it all loss for the sake of knowing you more.
So be it in Jesus Name and Amen.