Thursday, September 19, 2013

New Chapter 1

I just graduated college from the University of North Texas. I only graduated by the grace of God literally. College was awesome and that is the time in my life where I realized what to do with the Gospel, SHARE IT! I learned how to make disciples through Beach Projects and Summer Projects by Campus Outreach. Now I have moved to Memphis, TN. I have been here for a month and 11 days I still don't have a permanent job. Yes that is how my new chapter starts, VERY SLOWLY. That is okay with me as long as I'm not idle in life. The Lord is teaching me something but I don't know what it is. There are several things that I think, like pride, stewarding money well and serving others.
I have applied at TONS OF places, 28 places of business to be exact. It has never taken me this long in my life and I have been working since I was 15-years-old. Now I am substituting at PDS and working at chic-fila and its really frustrating because I love the company and the people and what I do but I am just not feeling it something in me is not right when I'm working there and I don't know if it is me or the Holy Spirit just trying to pull me somewhere else. I am so confused and I need the Lord to just show me what to do. I have subbing and I have PDS and I have an opportunity to coach for Westminster Academy and then I'm volunteering for Campus Outreach and babysitting for the Sanders and watching 2-year-olds on Wednesday mornings. Anyways I am very frustrated to the point of tears. On top of all that I can't pay my bills and my mom is having to pay them. I graduated college and I can't pay my own bills its so horrible. I hate this feeling. I want to be in Texas but then again I don't know if my situation would be worse or better. Lord you know the plans you have for me, they are plans for welfare and not for evil, they are to give me future and a hope. When I call upon you and pray to you, you will seek me and find me, if I just seek you with all my heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13) Lord help me remember that you are what I should seek not the comfort of this world. Oh God you are my God earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you my flesh faints for you as in a dry and weary land where there is no water so I have looked upon You in the sanctuary beholding you power and Glory because your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise you. Lord help me remember that I don't have to say the perfect thing for me to not feel defeated I just need to call on your name, Lord that in Exodus 14:14 you said you will fight for me and I have only to be silent. Lord HELP ME! LORD I FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE, SO SAD, SO CONFUSED, NOT FUFILLED, NOT WELCOME, NOT READY,  NOT WORTHY, NOT IMPORTANT, NOT ENOUGH, NOT WISE, NOT TOGETHER, NOT AUTHENTIC. I am hiding how I feel because I don't want to sob and sit around all day. Lord I don't know where this is coming from I know its not you. Lord I pray that you would just calm me down that you would grab my heart and slow it down. That you would help me have fun at chic-fila and help me joyfully serve people and genuinely care about people's needs. Lord I pray that you would help me I can not do it myself . This is an ugly heart issue and I do not know why it is. Why am I NOT content? Man that is so hard to answer, what do I need to do, what do I want to do. Lord I pray that you would help me balance everything. Lord help me know that you are working all things together for my good because I have been called according to your purpose! Lord help me focus my mind on things of the spirit. Lord thank you that even though I am not grateful Lord that you still love me you died for me while I was a sinner, I don't have to pretend my feelings with you Lord because you know them! AND you want to fix my heart and so I am asking Lord that you would help me be grateful have a passion for serving people in the small places even at a restaurant. Lord help me remember that you are my shepherd and you know what I need and I do not want for anything because you protect me and provide for me. Lord help me press on toward the goal, bringing you God in Christ Jesus glory. HELP ME PRESS ON, HELP ME HOLD ON. Lord help me remember that you are God and you sent your son Jesus and he came to earth not to be serve but to serve. If the savior of the world is serving anywhere and everywhere why do I think I am above it? Because I have a degree? NO Lord please help me be humbled and overjoyed by working there at chic fila. Lord thank you for remaining faithful when I am faithless. Lord these times are building my faith and I thank you for that Lord. Lord help me remember that you are who you say you are and you will do all of these things that you say you will do. Lord help me remember that ALL things at the beginning are painful rather than pleasant but later they yield peaceful fruit to those who train by it in Christ Jesus. Lord amen! Lord help me see this as training Lord help me be faithful and committed to the opportunities that you have given me at the moment. Lord and help me believe that you will instruct me and teach me in the way I should go and you will counsel me with your eye on me. Lord help me see the direction you are taking me Lord help me be able to hear where you want me to go. Lord if there is any sin that is separating me hearing you, Lord I beg of your forgiveness Lord I pray that you would forgive me for all my sins Lord thank you for sending your son and loving me through all of this. Lord please calm the storm. I trust you. Lord help me believe that you are here with me that you have not abandoned me. My soul will rest in your embrace for I am yours and you are mine.

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