Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Something New

               A couple of weeks ago I started to think about my constant ping pong of my weight, so from October to the end of January, when Starbucks comes out with all the holiday drinks and every where I go there is a pumpkin something and then in November when BlueBell comes out with the gingerbread and the pumpkin holiday flavors, I will gain weight. When February hits and I realize how close spring break and summer are I start to eat better and work out more. So this has been a constant lifestyle for as long as I can remember. I don't think there has ever been a time where I was not self conscience of my weight or how I look. There were times where I didn't care as much but that was only because I had a boyfriend and the only reason I wanted to look good was to have guys like me and so if I had a boyfriend then the mission was complete and all I had to do was to maintain which wasn't hard.
Then I started to think about why during the holidays do I binge on sweets. My addiction to seasonal food is insane I don't even like beer but because they have a October Fest Pumpkin addition I would want to try it! Anything that reminds me of the Holidays around the year I will get it because I love the feelings the holiday brings.
My roommates birthday was last week and another women in the Emerging Leader Program came over and brought her a cake and I was so controlled when I saw it didn't really care, and had no intention of eating any of it. Then my best friend had a bite and said it was so good and moist. Still I wasn't impressed. The next day it was just me and the cake in the house and I just decided I'm going to try it. Then it was so good my fork kept going in to the cake and into my mouth and the next thing you know the a whole forth of the cake was gone. Then my roommate started to unlock the front door and as I heard it rattling I quickly put the top on the cake and walked away. That very moment I felt conviction. I knew I had just sinned but I couldn't quite put words to it.
A couple days later we had Friday morning class for Downline and Pastor Conley from High Point Church in Memphis, Tennessee did a lesson on temptation and whenever the topic was announced I automatically thought sex, lusting, cheating. Not once did the temptation of food come to my mind. The Lord had a totally different lesson to teach me that morning through pastor Conley. I walked in with my friend and she sits by someone else and I thought it was weird but I didn't think much of it and went and sat next to some people I didn't know only because that was the only open spots and I needed a place to plug in my charger. As Pastor Conley started to teach I knew that where I sat and that I knew no one around me was strategically planned by God. He wanted my full attention that morning. God showed me my sin, He showed my heart. He showed me that all my life I have been going to food for comfort and putting food particularly sweet food on this pedestal that makes life great. I never saw eating healthy or working out as a heart issue. At the moments when I am compulsively eating the Lord has showed me that I am loving food more than God.
So then what's next? Right now I am fasting from sweats for the rest of the year. And however long it takes for me to stop being in love with sweet things. However long it takes me to take a good thing and enjoy it instead of becoming obsessed with it and making it an idle. I will not be a slave to anyone or anything but the Lord.
"For the moment all things seem painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
-Hebrews 12:11
John 6:27
Galatians 5:16
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
1Thesssalonians 23-24
 
Memphis is a great city that the Lord is doing mighty work in. For me it is my desert. Not that I don't enjoy the city. I am very thankful the Lord has given me this opportunity to come and to learn more about the Lord and the bible and how to make disciples. I think the reason why I resented being here at first because it wasn't easy and every other day the Lord was showing me my sin BUT He is also showing me who He is still in spite of me.  The Lord has brought me here so that he can speak to me and show me things that I that I have not known. He is patient with me and He is slowly showing me things. I hate not knowing things because I want to fix them. I think that's why I have been so frustrated being here, I've been blaming it on the city but the problem is me. And this would have happened with any city I went to after graduation. I love Memphis, I HATE my sin. I'm trying not to mix up the source of the feelings. Lord I am here and now I know why you have brought me here. Help me run to you when times get hard. Help me trust that everything you bring in my life is to teach me something that is for my good no matter how hard it is. I will never forget this place. I know you have plans for me for your glory. Help me learn everything you want me to at this place in life so that I will be prepared for the next if the next is your will. Lord I trust you. Daddy I trust you with my life help me not be comforted by this world. Help me not obsess with great things here on earth, it is nothing compared to you. Help me remember to count it all loss for the sake of knowing you more.
So be it in Jesus Name and Amen.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Blossom Where You're Planted

Today I woke up and looked out the window, I have never done that before as soon as I woke up, but I thought it would help me wake up. Help my mind wonder at creation and get my engines running. Last night in Downline we learned about Joseph in Genesis and a man named Steve was teaching and he said Joseph was a prime example of faithfulness and that wherever he went the Lord was with him and he succeeded wherever he was. From slavery to prison to having the highest ranking position second to the Pharaoh. Then he encouraged us to blossom where we are planted. I felt like he was looking straight at me when he said it. I know that's what you want me to do Lord and I need you to help me enjoy here and now. Today is October 1, 2013 I have been in Memphis, TN almost 2 months now. The memory verse for this month is Matthew 28:16-20


           " Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus directed them. And when they saw him they worshipped him, but some doubted. And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth have been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, in the name of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of age."

This is why my heart beats.

Lord during this time when I am confused and don't know how things are going to get done or paid for. Lord help me really believe that you are my father, you are my daddy and you care deeply for me. You care for me more than any person on earth could ever love me. Lord help me believe that! If you gave your son for me how will You not also with him graciously give me all things? Lord you never fail me, you never give up, you never run out on me.

If I am faithless, You remain faithful You cannot deny yourself.

Lord help me see you in all things, please change my heart for this time in my life. Lord change my heart to give my life away to sharing the gospel and making disciples and investing in women for your glory. Lord make that passion deeply burned in my heart for as long as I live on earth. Lord help me not try to be you Lord you are the one who saves not me. Lord help me throw my hands up and surrender this sweet young women to you. You love them more than I ever could. Lord you long to see them come to yourself more than I could ever imagine to.

Humble King
Lamb of God
I love the Holy lamb of God
Who washed me in His precious blood.
My Jesus Christ, The lamb of God.
I was so lost I should have died
but you have brought me by your side
and led me by your staff and rod
and made me a lamb of God.
Come all you weary and broken
come to the table of the Lord
Come lay your burden on the word
Everyone needs a little rest
Everyone needs a little joy
and a song to sing in the darkest nights
and Life even when it get you down
Hope will turn it all around
Love is the greatest of all
He will lift you up
and cover your soul with healing

Lord help them want you above all else, help me not care who pours into them as long as they are getting truth. Help me not be so selfish. Help me care about their souls more than my desire to be used.

Why are you still with me
Did you not see what I have done
In shame I want to run and hide
I don't deserve you
I need you to love me
I have wasted so much time
pushing you away from me
I just never saw how you
could cherish me
You're a God who has all things
and still you want me
and I need you to love me
and I wont keep my heart from you this time
and Ill stop this pretending
that I can somehow deserve something that I already have

You are good when there's nothing good in me
You are light when the darkness closes in
You are hope, you have covered all my sin
You are peace when my fear is crippling
You are joy, you' re the reason that I sing
You are life, in you death has lost it's sting

Daddy come back soon! Until them help me remember my purpose at all times. All I do I want to do for you. Help this be true change my heart Lord. Wherever I am, Wherever I am working Lord help your joy come through. Lord overwhelm me with your love and presence. Lord help me see you working at chic fila and on the basketball court just as much as I feel you at a bible study or church.

troubles chasing me again
God Im looking for you
fear is filling up my head
Im longing for you
But I will find you when Im at my end
when there is nothing else to offer you
except my brokenness
You lift me up
you never leave me thirsty
When I am weak
When I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees
Ill trust you
because you are faithful
When my heart is broken and
my joy is stolen
you never leave me searching

Lord save my fathers. I beg of you Lord save them from eternity without you. Please Lord. Save them redeem their pasts. Restore my family Lord. Lord I pray for my nieces Tiajah and Tekarrie and my nephews Zane and Elijah. Save them at a young age. Lord keep them. Lord let your word be on their heart forever. Lord help me and my sisters see that you are enough. Lord help up live for you. Help us love you with all of our heart, soul, and mind.

You never promised this life wouldn't be hard
Just have your way
You take broken things and turn them in to beautiful
Ill stop searching for the answers
Ill stop praying for an escape
Ill trust you God where I am
Even if my dreams have died
and even if I don't survive
Ill trust you with my life
Just have your way
I know you will
You love me
Have
Your
Way.

Lord I pray for my friends. Lord I pray that you would show us that you are enough that you can satisfy, that you can mend broken hearts. Lord that you can provide. That we don't have to take control of everything. You are with us every step of the way, you are not just waiting at the finish line.

Bless the Lord
Oh my soul
Worship His Holy Name
Sing like never before
I'll worship your Holy Name
The sun comes up its a new day dawning
Its time to sing your song again
whatever may pass
and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.
You're rich in love
and your slow to anger
your name is great
and your heart is kind
for all your goodness
I will keep on singing
10,000 reasons for my heart to find.

How Great Thou Art.
Amen.